Forgiveness

Looking back on all of the relationships I’ve had with men in my past; the sexual relationships; the relationships that deteriorated shortly after the words “I love you” were spoken, or, at least, began to decay around the time that similar words were thought of, only now do I start to question (and hopefully understand) the effects they may have had on me.

This will not be an episode on “Woe Is Me TV”.

I used to believe so very deeply in love. I believed in the love that was shared, nurtured, protected, and given between two people in a relationship. I envied this love when I saw it in people I knew. There are times I have still had pangs of jealousy when I see “them” walking hand in hand through the park. When I had my first experiences with this kind of love that I had been idolizing for so long, I was ecstatic. I could not wait for this newfound experience to grow into what I had been wishing and hoping for so long. These relationships did grow, and they did become quite special. They have each aided in the formation of the groundwork, foundation, and much of the first few floors of who I am as a person in a relationship with others.

Recently, I’ve begun to wonder if the downfall of these relationships, which each, at the time, hurt me to the core, and, in some ways, continue to effect me in decisions I have made in the future, has been to my benefit. Have the ends of these relationships and their subsequent effects on me been due to how naive, ready to love, and head over heels I was before? Have their ends taken away my ability to love and be loved in that way again?

People often say that you must be able to love yourself in order to accept love of yourself from another. Currently, I doubt just how much I love myself. I am not forgiving myself for letting the things that happened in these relationships happen. I am not forgiving myself for being so vulnerable, with my head in the clouds about what love was and what I needed love to be for me. Those doubts have turned into a lack of love for myself, therefore not making it possible for someone else to want to develop those feelings towards me. Every relationship will crumble as long as I continue that attitude. I know that I deserve love, but I am angry with myself for letting love hurt me before. And if I cannot forgive myself, then I can never love myself, and neither can he.