There have been several conversations lately with friends regarding things (usually men) that used to be in our lives. The topics range from jobs, to relationships, to roommates. I think it has something to do with the end of the year. I'm kind of tired of spending every December the exact same way. Reflecting.
When I was a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. Couldn't get old fast enough. Everything was about what I could do when I was older. "When I'm 16, I'll get my driver's license!", "I can't wait until I'm 18 and out of this damn high school!", "Well, when I'm 21, this is what I'm going to drink."
We were in such a hurry to get to everything in the future. So, why is it that now that I have all of those things, I spend so much time in the past? Now that I have my own car, or after diplomas and degrees, after several Ketel One martinis (straight up, with a twist)....Why NOW am I not happy unless I'm spending time sifting through the past?
"He used to do that.", "Well, we slept together [a year ago] so it's alright to drunk text him, right, girl?", "Can we still do this...like we used to...and not get too attached?"
This is one of the happiest times in my life. I spent a large portion of the last year quite depressed. I had been out of work for the longest time in my life. I finally accepted an office job with a company that I rapidly grew to realize was one of the least inviting places for anyone with even one shred of creativity in their system. At the moment I was ready to tell my 4' 11" boss (who was about 6 years younger than me) where exactly he could go, I was offered a job doing the one thing in the world that I can't seem to live without. A job that would take me all over the country for the next year; to cities I'd never been to; meeting people who's talent, generosity, and spirit make me strive, daily, to be a little bit better at what I do. People I genuinely, and already in such a short time, enjoy.
In the midst of this "happiest time in my life", somehow I've still made time for all things past (or passed). I go through so much of my life alone. It does seem strange that if, for example, some "man" (or any other person for that matter) who was "there for me" some 2 years ago, wouldn't be there now. I could see the initial shock of that departure being relative. But, if he (or whoever) were that important, where were they during that really ugly 365 day period? And why are you still texting? And why are you still, in some cases, "sex"ting?
Alone. It's not a bad place. I've handled my shit. And sometimes I've even handled it well. No one else is responsible for the joy I have inside. That is such a pleasant feeling. I am not ignorant of my surroundings or situations that may have changed and given me a new view.
If I am "by myself", living with just me, dealing with just me, taking care of me when I'm sick, cooking for me, taking me out for a night on the town, taking me out to see a friend in a show, taking me out to meet with friends for drinks; If that qualifies, then YES, I am learning to love alone. I'm learning to rejoice a little bit more than I reflect. I am learning to love, alone.
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Im loney. There I said it. I hate it....I hate it....I hate it. I dont like admiting that I feel this way. I feel like everyone in the world is doing big and exciting things. And I am being left behind. Ive had these thoughts since I was a child. The only time I have felt like I was actually accomplishing something and actually in synch with the rest of the world was when I was on the stage. But as soon as I leave the stage doors that feeling of loneliness would come for me. So pitiful. So I ask people what they did last night or during the day and they say "Nothing". Im like "Nothing"?!!?! Wait I thought you were out with people all the time drinking and laughing and you tell me that you did "nothing". Its funny what we convince ourselvs of. Our thoughts are sooo powerful. I have made things happen by just thinking it. My biggest fear was that the guy I once dated and still work with was going to date another girl that we work with and I would have to sit there and watch it. Well I dwelled on that thought forever and it happened. What I need to do is learn to have postive thoughts and maybe I will start to believe them.
I recently went to a friends cd release party. I was getting ready and i stopped and thought, Im happy. Now she and her husband had a cd release party this summer too but I was in a totally different place. I was depressed. I had just gotten out of a relationship and it was a baaaad break-up. I was between housing. The girl I was subletting this studio from called and said she needed to come home early and we were going to have to share this studio. I couldnt find anything to wear so I looked a mess. I watched my friend and her husband sing to each other and I was sooo angry. I went to hug my friend after the concert and she asked me how I was and I almost lost it rght there in front of everyone on her night. I tried to leave the room quickly but her husband stopped me to give me a hug and I quickly slide out of his arms and took off down the stairs to the streets of NYC. Wouldnt you know it.....it was raining out and I had no umbrella. I lost it right then and there. But this time I was happy. I looked great, I wore a little make-up. I watched my friend and her husband and I was soo happy for them. I went down to hug them and I didnt want to run away. I WAS HAPPY!! For the first time I could see how far I had come. Why am I hell bent on going back there? Why would I dwell in that place? Why would I let people from that place come back into my life?
I never really knew what it meant to live in the present. I get it now. Its a process. Its something that you have to work at every day at every minute. I have taken to writing down in my planner everytime something good happened, or something I considered a blessing. For examble, someone giving up a seat on the train, running into a friends on the street, talking to a friend you havnt heard from in a long time, or the right train coming at the right time. I write down everything no matter how big or small it is so that I could look back on my day and see all the wonderful things that happened to me. How can I think of all the bad things in the past when I have all these wonderful things going on right here and now.
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